How to move from a transaction to relational conversation.
By Mark Goulston
If you love networking and can’t wait for your next networking event, read no further. This article is not for you.
However, if you view networking as a necessary chore in order to develop new business, this one’s for you.
By nature I am shy, and on more occasions than I care to think about, painfully so. It’s no wonder networking did not come naturally or easily to me. But one evening that all changed
Ten years ago, roughly five years after I’d ventured out of my consultation room as a clinical psychiatrist, I entered the business world. Though I had spent many hours working through difficult situations with people, meeting strangers at networking events was a stretch.
But one day I changed my attitude. When I attended a networking event, I determined to meet three new people and follow up with them after the event. I exceed my goal. By the end of the event, I met five—who warmly accepted me and hoped for a follow-up meeting.
I credit my success to a shift in attitude: I focused on being more interested than being interesting. I asked people what they did for who, when they did it, and how they did it. I asked them how they got into doing what they do. And then I asked them why they did what they did.
In each case those last two questions caused a remarkable transformation. The person with whom I spoke paused and looked upward, as if searching into their mind’s eye for meaningful answers. Our conversation was no longer transactional; it was relational. And it was better.
When I asked, “Who is someone that helped you in your career, and what did they do?” one person teared up as he described a critical point in his career where a manager went to bat for him. Giving busy people the opportunity to relate a story about someone they feel grateful to is one of the best ways to get through to someone; it’s a gift.
Show You Care with Questions
A few years later in 2002 I was a keynote speaker at the Annual Meeting of the Association for Corporate Growth (ACG) in Los Angeles. The night before the event the main speakers were invited to a cocktail reception at the Beverly Hills Hotel. One of the main attractions was another keynote speaker, Mike Heisley: CEO of Heico Companies, owner of the Memphis Grizzlies, and frequently listed as one of America’s 400 Richest People. Everyone wanted time with Mike. When it was my turn to greet him, something possessed me to ask, "What did you learn about success from your father?"
Momentarily taken aback by this question, he pointed to a couple of chairs at a nearby table and said, "C'mon, let's sit down." Though others were waiting, I wasn't about to refuse such an invitation.
We sat down and Mike shared the following: "Some of the best advice I ever received came from my dad. There was the time when I told him about a business I was about to buy that was clearly a win for me and a loss for everyone else who had any connection with the company. He looked at me and asked, 'Why would you do a deal that helped you and hurt everyone else?’
"It was as if he were saying, 'Mike, because you know how to take advantage of opportunities, you don't have to take advantage of people.' What I didn't realize at the time was that my father had so much confidence in my ability to be successful by knowing and doing the right thing that I didn't want to dishonor his belief in me by being any less than he thought I could be. And I didn't. Like Jack Nicholson's famous line from the movie As Good As It Gets, my dad made me want to be a better man. And I like to think I have."
When you attend networking events, take my simple advice: Be more interested in others than interesting. See how it makes you a better networker. Showing such generosity of spirit will make you a better person—and others will want to get to know. Who knows, you might even have a few warmly take your hand and tell you how much they enjoyed meeting you and would like to follow up with you.
Mark Goulston, M.D. is the author of “Just Listen” (AMACOM, $24.95). He believes the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone is not what you tell them but what you cause them to tell you that is truly important to them and then “just listen.”
Visit his website: markgoulston.com/resources. Contact him at: info@markgoulston.com.
